You think you’ll know how you’ll feel when a parent dies. You can assume or make guesses based on your relationship. But really, that’s you convincing yourself you’ve got it under control.
Turns out, that headspace control? It’s a farce… a lie you’re telling yourself to get through your days.
Truth is, you have no effing idea how you’ll feel ’til you get the call. And how you’ll feel all the minutes after….
Here I am.
Tuesday. 8:48 PM. Call. Received.
For the record, I feel overwhelmingly sad and guilty.
Not the relief I expected. Anticipated. Hoped for.
Mom, I hope you find peace. I hope you know how much I loved you despite our challenges. I suspect you didn’t know. And for that, I feel the guilt I felt when you were alive.
In an instant, like the fleeting sunrise from a car window, a life passes by.
Death comes calling. When you least expect it.